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Total Recall (with That SciFi Guy)
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to! Fucking remakes. (A poster of various remakes appear, starting with True Grit) NC (vo): Yeah, sometimes you get a good one, (Arthur) but for the most part, they're entirely pointless. (Planet of the Apes) So what if it doesn't always follow the original subject material? (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory) When a film is good, it's freaking good. If it's not broke, don't break it. (The Karate Kid) Once in a while, you get one that sort of leaps through the cracks, (The Stepford Wives) but for the most part, they're entirely shit. NC: Why am I on the subject of remakes? Because I'm here to talk about Total Recall. The original, (the remake poster appears on the left, or his right) not the crappy ass remake that I haven't seen, but I'm sure is crappy! (Dr. Wiki appears) Dr. Wiki: Actually, (NC does a double take) the original would be the short story, "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale," by the acclaimed sci-fi author, Philip K. Dick. In this version-- NC: Dr. Wiki, what are you doing here? You're not even on my show. (Sci-Fi Guy appears in his seat) SFG: Sorry, Critic, ever since he went open access, he kinda became self aware. NC: Ugh. Hi, Sci-Fi Guy SFG: I try to keep up with him, but...you know...Internet. So, uh, what were you doing that got his attention there? NC: I was just doing a review of Total Re--(realizes he almost blabbed)--caahuh nothing? SFG: Really? Because, uh, 90% of what he knows comes from sci-fi nerds. He may have detected something. NC: Nope, nope! Just an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, you wouldn't be interested. SFG: You sure? Because Arnold was sure in a lot of sci-fi movies. Wait, it's not January. NC: Dude, I stopped doing Schwarzenegger Month like a few years ago, and besides, I wouldn't do Total Recall on that--(quickly realized what he just said)--yaii!! (Clips of the movie begin to play) NC (vo): Yes, Total Recall, and before any of you go insane, I'll point out right now that I really do like this movie. It's got some good ideas, it's creative, and it keeps you guessing the whole way through. But still, come on, guys, it's a Schwarzenegger film. There's some funny, goofy, over-the-top stuff in this. We can't act like it's totally perfect, it's still incredibly silly. But incredibly fun, too. SFG: So, then... NC: Yeah, yeah, yeah, why don't you review it with me? SFG: Sweet! Wait, you're not just gonna send me to the corner again, are you? NC: No, I had enough corner time with Todd last week. (Cut back to the Wiz review with NC and Todd in the Shadows in the corner, backs to the camera) Todd: Now this is how you do a review! (Back to the opening credits) NC (vo): So our movie opens up with an obnoxious rip-off--I mean, tribute to the titles in the Terminator movie, mixing it to look like the Superman credits are melting. (Sharon Stone) SFG: Sharon Stone, huh? NC: Opinion lowers. (Michael Ironside) SFG: Michael Ironside. NC: Opinion rises! (And Ronny Cox) SFG: Hey, Ronny Cox! NC: Yeah, I came down with a case of that. Penicilin knocked it right out. (We now cut to two people in space suits walking on Mars) NC (vo): Anyway, as our story continues, we see Arnold on the planet Mars. SFG (vo): Yeah, an entirely too red Mars. SFG: What, is it sunset? NC: Okay, if you keep nitpicking, you are gonna go in the corner! SFG: Fine. (The male in the suit slips on a patch of loose dirt and tumbles down the hill, cracking his faceplate on a rock, revealing Arnold, whose eyes are bulging and tongue swelling) NC (vo): That's the look he gave after he found out one of his maids was pregnant. (Turns out that it was all a really bad dream for Douglas Quaid) SFG (vo): But we quickly learn it was just a dream, and Douglas Quaid's real life is just as boring as everybody else's. Except for the whole being married to Sharon Stone thing, I guess. And being completely ripped. Reporter: And more violence last night on Mars, with terrorists demanding independence, once again halted the extraction of turbinium ore. (Doug's wife, Lori, turns the report off, replacing it with a mountain view screensaver, then gives him a kiss before joining in for breakfast) Quaid: Lori. Lori: Doug. Quaid: Let's do it. SFG: Hell, yeah! Lori: Do what? Quaid: Move to Mars. SFG: Oh... Lori: Sweetheart, we've been through this a million times. You'd hate it on Mars. (Clips of insurgent fighting are shown) NC (vo, as Arnold): Yeah, so I was watching this terrorist report, and I just thought it would be a great place to raise our children. SFG (vo): As it turns out, not everything is hunky dory in Casa de Arnold. Quaid yearns for more out of life, but his wife is worried about silly things like-- SFG: (airquotes) ..."terrorists" and (airquotes) "ridiculously difficult living conditions." (Quaid walks through an x-ray scanner on the way to work) NC (vo): After going through one of the coolest security scanners ever, Quaid sees an ad for a memory implantation service that can provide you with the experience of whatever crazy thing you want without actually doing it. Dr. Edgemar: So don't let life pass you by. Call Rekall. For the memory of a lifetime. NC: (on the phone) Hello, Rekall? Yes, I will need a thousand pounds of unsalted butter, and then an exquisite chinchilla, and once it's all safely introduced into the-- SFG: Uh, what? NC: Private conversation! (he pulls down a graphic saying PRIVATE CONVERSATION (Let Pervs be Pervs)) (Quaid is now jackhammering rocks at a construction site) SFG (vo): At his shitty job, Quaid's co-worker tries to warn him away from Rekall, because a friend of his had a bad experience. Harry: Don't! Quaid: Why not? Harry: A friend of mine tried one of their special offers! Nearly got himself lobotomized! (Quaid keeps jackhammering while Harry gives him a weird look, with a dramatic sting added in) NC (vo): Or is there something more sinister afoot? (Quaid is lowered into the device in the chair) SFG (vo): But he decides everyone's full of shit and goes to check it out anyway. At Rekall, he is told to upgrade on his Mars experience and get strapped in. Ernie: First trip? Quaid: Mm-hmm. Ernie: Well, don't worry. Things hardly ever fuck up around here. SFG: Good to know? SFG (vo): They begin the procedure, but you know it's not gonna be that simple. NC (vo): Cue the Arnold noises. (Quaid is growling at the techs trying to calm him down while he's strapped to the chair, while we hear NC imitating Arnold's growls) Quaid: You blew my cover! NC (vo): Now from here, there's two different ways you could look at this movie. We know he just went to get implanted with memories. NC: But the procedure gets interrupted. SFG: Or does it? (dramatic sting) If you go with what this scene is telling you, or is this all part of the simulation? NC: Are you kidding? It's totally real! They just haven't implanted the secret agent protocol yet. SFG (vo): But this is after he laid his head back into the implant machine. Technically... SFG: ...everything after that point could be going on in his head. NC: GO TO THE CORNER! NC (vo): So they decide the best thing to do is wipe his mind and dump him in a cab. Johnnycab: I'm sorry, would you please rephrase the question? Quaid: How did I get in this taxi? Johnnycab: The door opened, you got in. SFG (vo): Played by Robert Picardo. NC (vo): That guy from Star Trek? SFG (vo): He was on Voyager. NC (vo): Oh, that would explain why I don't give a shit. SFG (vo): On his way inside, he's waylaid by Manny DeVito (actually Robert Costanzo) from work, and a hired group of goons. (Cut to a clip from The Simpsons) Homer: Hired goons? (he opens the door and gets taken out of the house) Harry: You blabbed, Quaid! You blabbed about Mars! Quaid: Are you crazy? Harry: You shoulda listened to me, Quaid, I was there to keep you out of trouble! NC: See, I told you it was real! That explains the evil eye he gave him! SFG: That could've meant anything! (Quick cut back to the work scene) SFG (vo): Man, how does he fit into those pants? (Back to Quaid beating up the goons) NC (vo): And then he beats the crap out of all of them. (Back in the apartment) Lori: What are you doing? Quaid: Some men just tried to kill me! Lori: Doug, I'm gonna call a doctor. Quaid: Don't! Don't call anybody! (Coming onto the vidphone is Richter) SFG (vo): Oh! Richter: Hello. SFG (vo): Hello, Michael Ironside. SFG: If I used a videophone, I would answer it like that all the time. (Both NC and SFG put their head into frame like Richter did) NC: Hello. SFG: Hello. (And cue the YYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! from The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again") (Quaid opens the door to his apartment and gets shot at) SFG (vo): Quaid returns home to warn Lori, and is suddenly attacked by a suspiciously Sharon Stone-shaped shadow. (After some dodging, Quaid has the shooter in his arms and turns the lights on to reveal Lori. Another shot of her hitting him in the crotch twice) SFG (vo): After taking two to the cookies, he finally starts to get some answers. Lori: Sorry, Quaid, your whole life's just a dream. (Cue the Price Is Right fail horns) NC (vo): When he realizes she's just been buying time for Ironside, Quaid knocks her on her ass, and escapes before they show up. Looks like he forgot the skull vision scanners, though. NC: But for Arnold, it's a minor problem. (Quaid jumps through the scanner glass) NC (vo): Yeah, he totally wouldn't be ripped to shards by all that glass or anything. NC: (imitating Arnold) I am tougher than Jesus! (and snarls like him) SFG (vo): Quaid hides out in a dingy motel where some completely random person tells him he's being tracked. Quaid: What do you want? Stranger: They got you bugged. They'll be busting down your door in about three minutes unless you do exactly what I say. Don't bother searching, the bug's in your skull. NC (vo, as Arnold): That's right, I forgot don't have x-ray vision. Quaid: Who are you? Stranger: Nevermind. Wet a towel and wrap it around your head, that'll muffle the signal. SFG: A wet towel? Um, really? Are you screwing with me? NC: You know it must be true because I was able to say it without laughing my ass off. SFG: Oh, okay, then. (wrapping the towel around his head) Okay, what next? NC: Get a robe, and puff your chest out like your cock of the walk. Oh, and some Reddi Whip. SFG: What? NC: Don't give me that look! Your life depends on it! SFG: Okay, okay, fine. NC: Good, now shave your nuts. SFG: What? NC: Do it! (SFG tosses the towel down instead) NC (vo): So the mystery man leaves a case for Quaid and is never seen again. Inside the case, he finds an assortment of supplies including cash, fake IDs, a (pulls out a weird device) I don't know what the hell that is, and this cool hologram projector. But wait, there's more! He finds a message from himself on a comically oversized laptop. Hauser: You are not you. You're me. Quaid: No shit. SFG: Deep, man. Hauser: First, let's get rid of that bug in your head. Take this thing (the device) out of the case and stick it up your nose. Don't worry, it's self guiding. (The device extends to reveal four sharp, thin metal claws) Just shove real hard. NC: Those are words I never wanna hear out of Arnold. I could possibly never get an erection again. NC (vo): Some lines after you hear Arnold say it, you'll never hear the same way again. Like "Put that cookie down." SFG: Oh, you haven't heard "Get your ass to Mars?" (A clip of Arnold is shown as a dubstep mix involving the phrase "Get your ass to Mars" is shown) NC: (disgusted) I hate you. (Quaid sticks the device into his nose) Hauser: When you hear the crunch, you're there. (Quaid grunts as he pulls out a thick bulge out of his nose) Toucan Sam (audio only): Come follow my nose, it always knows! Ah, Kellogg's Froot Loop cereal, with natural orange and cherry flavors. (Quaid pulls the bug out of his nose, with an arrow pointing to it saying "Cherry Flavor!") NC (vo): And when we get to Mars, we're following this...random large woman. Guard: So how long do you plan to stay on Mars? Woman: Two weeks. Guard: Have you brought any fruits or vegetables onto the planet? Woman: Two weeks. NC: Pardon? Woman: Two weeks. (the woman begins to have some form of seizure, still only able to say two weeks) SFG (vo): The large woman does her best Arnold impression before revealing... (The woman's head begins to slide off revealing Quaid's head underneath) SFG (vo): ...it IS Arnold! Quaid: Catch! (he throws the head at the guards) SFG (vo): And also a bomb. Head: Get ready for a surprise! (The head then explodes) NC (vo): It's one of those classic military designed exploding large lady head bombs! NC: Buy 'em now at your army surplus. (A picture of the head bomb is shown with the slogan "Heads Will Roll and Leave a Big Hole," costing $29.99) NC (vo): In the ensuing chaos, the vacuum seal is broken, and Quaid escapes. Richter: Open the goddamn door! Everett: I can't! Richter: Open it! Everett: They're all connected! (The two of them give each other a mean staredown) SFG: Wow, that argument was awkwardly intense! NC: Yeah. Hey, Sci-Fi Guy, we have to go to commercial now. SFG: No, I don't do mid-roll commercials, you don't have to pull it! NC: I can't! SFG: Why not!? NC: They're all connected! (The two of them give each other mean looks as we go to commercial, and even when we come back) SFG (vo): We find out that Michael Ironside is actually nothing more than a level 2 hired goon, as he gets his ass chewed by Cohagen. NC (vo): We also get a helpful breakdown of the villain's plan. Cohagen: As long as the turbinium keeps flowing, I can do anything I want. Kuato wants what's in Quaid's head, and he might be able to get it cause they say he's psychic, and I have a plan to keep this from happening. Do you think you could play along? Richter: Yes, sir. Cohagen: 'Cause otherwise, I'll erase your ass. (that makes Richter's grin turn upside down) SFG: Wait, he'll erase his ass? NC: Like...his whole ass? SFG: Or will he erase his memory of having an ass? NC: Maybe just the crack. Will he only have one buttcheek? SFG: How will he sit? NC: How will he poop? (NC thinks about this philosophical question) NC (vo): Quaid is hailed by a cab, and just in the nick of time, 'cause things get real violent real fast. Cabbie: Damn you, Benny! (explosions rock the area they're in) Quaid: What the hell was that? An accident? Benny: That's the rebels, man! Quaid: Well, what do the rebels want? SFG: What do the rebels want? Weren't you obsessed with Mars earlier? Remember all those news reports you were watching? What, did you just tune out all the talky bits? NC (vo): He asks Benny to take him to Venusville, and yes, it's exactly what it sounds like. Quaid: I'm looking for Melina. Bartender: She's busy. But Mary here, she's free. (And yes, it's the three-boobed hooker who gives him a laugh while the censor says "3 Boobied Scene") SFG: Come on, do we really have to censor that? They're clearly fake! I mean, can we at least see the middle one? NC: Well, my thought is if someone's going to jerk off to this, they might as well pay the original source material and buy the DVD so they can jerk off to it. It's just common manners. (Mary's seen again, only now the box says "Besides, 4 Would've Been Hotter") SFG (vo): He meets Melina, a member of the Underground, and, of course, part-time stripper with a heart of gold. Gotta pay the bills, I guess. (Inside the room, Melina slaps Quaid) Melina: You son of a bitch! NC (vo): But that wasn't the most harmonious reunion, and she kicks him out of the club. Back in the suite, he's put to a new test. Dr. Edgemar: I'm afraid you're not really standing here right now. You're strapped into an implant chair, and I'm monitoring you from the psychoprobe console. Lori: I want you to come back to me. Quaid: Bullshit. Dr. Edgemar: What's bullshit, Mr. Quaid? That you're having a paranoid episode? Triggered by acute neurochemical trauma? Swallow this. (he takes out a red pill) It's a symbol of your desire to return to reality. SFG: What are you doing? You have to offer him a blue pill, too! It doesn't work without it! NC (vo): After seeing some revelatory sweat beads, he chooses door number 2, and shoots the doctor in the head. (the wall in Quaid's room bursts open) And then all hell breaks loose. (Quaid fights against the goons, but gets taken down) NC (vo): But then he gets another shot to the nuts, courtesy of his lovely not-wife, and it looks like Melina had a change of heart. (Melina and Lori have the obligatory cat fight. We cut to a clip from Seinfeld of two cops watching) Cop: Ooh, cat fight. (Lori picks up a knife, about to kill Melina when Quaid shoots it out of her hand) Lori: Doug... NC: I think those testicles are demanding revenge. Lori: (reaching for a gun behind her) After all, we're married. (Just as she gets it out, she gets shot in the head, killing her) Quaid: Consider that the divorce. (YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!) NC (vo): With Ironside hot on their trail, they go to meet the leader of the rebels. (As Quaid and Melina are running downstairs, he pushes a person off the rail) NC (vo, as Arnold): I push you for no reason! Out of the way! SFG (vo): They escape into the tunnels behind the bar while Michael Ironside and the Science Police start shooting up the place. NC: Science Police? SFG: Linkara would get it. Richter: Where are they? Mary: I don't know. (she turns to walk away, but then gets shot by Richter. The censor box now says "R.I.P. 3 Breasts of Wonder" as "My Heart Will Go On" plays) SFG (vo): Cohagen orders Ironside to retreat, and has the air to Venusville shut off. Meanwhile, Melina, Benny and Quaid make it to Kuato. Kuato: What do you want, Mr. Quaid? NC: He was my favorite Garbage Pail Kid. SFG (vo): He attempts to read Quaid's mind, but unfortunately, the party is busted up by Cohagen's massive underground drills. (Quaid and the rebels fall back while shooting at the soldiers rushing in) George: Get to the airlock! Follow me! NC: Get to the choppa--oh, wait, wrong movie. (and more Arnold noises) NC (vo): It looks like they've escaped, but then we find out that Benny's not the fun comic relief character we thought he was. Benny: Congratulations, Quaid. You led us right to him. Melina: How can you do this? You're a mutant. Benny: I got four kids to feed. Quaid: So what happened to number five? Benny: Aw, shit, man! You got me! I ain't even married! NC: (as Arnold) I'm working on my one-liner for your death scene even as we speak! SFG (vo): Melina and Quaid are taken to Cohagen, who reveals that everything up until this point has been a set-up by them in order to get close to Kuato. Hauser: You see, it's my body you've got there. And I want it back. Sorry to be an Indian giver. So adios, amigo. And thanks for not getting yourself killed. Hey, maybe we'll even meet in our dreams. SFG (vo): They're ready to re-implant Hauser into Quaid, so he's strapped into the chair. NC: And what about the poor, innocent people in Venusville? Cohagen: Fuck 'em. NC: Okay. Cohagen: Oh, Quaid. I'm having a party tonight. Why don't you and Melina drop by? Remind him, doc? Doctor: Sure. Richter: See you at the party. NC (vo): But, of course, he's not the type to be tied down. And after summoning the biggest Arnold face you've ever seen in a movie, (animal laughter is heard on a shot of Arnold with such a goofy face as he fights the implant) they bust loose and makes it to the reactor area. (A drill machine is there to greet Melina and Quaid at a dead end) SFG (vo): Benny has upgraded his cab and goes after Quaid and Melina. Quaid manages to drill through the oil line to disable the...drill dozer, leading to one of the most over-the-top lines in movie history. Quaid: SCREEWWWW YOOUUUUUU!! (Quaid shoves the drill into the cabin, drilling Benny) Dr. Wiki: Drill Dozer is an action/adventure platformer game for the Nintendo Game B-- Both: SHUT UP! NC (vo): Luckily, in Benny's attempt to murder them, he has led them directly to the reactor room. There's a few more goons to fight off, though, and Quaid finally gets to use that cool holo-watch thing from before. (Quaid and Richter fight on an elevator) SFG (vo): Next up is Ironside, aka Richter, and after a fight on the elevator, he is abruptly disarmed. (Richter's hanging onto the elevator's edge as the platform comes up) Richter: Nooooo! (The platform crushes his arms off, leaving him to die falling and screaming) Quaid: See you at the party, Richter! (he throws Richter's arms off) NC (vo, as Arnold): I'll lend you a hand! We'll have a farewell to arms! It won't be too limb-iting! Because I took your limbs, ha-ha! NC (vo): But once again, the fun is spoiled, and the firefight ensues, once again disrupturing the room. (Quaid, Melina and Cohagen are hanging on for dear life to avoid the vacuum. Quaid pulls Cohagen off, making him the first go flying out unprotected onto the surface of Mars, where his head begins to swell from rapid decompression) NC: Oh, my God, he's changing into the truck driver (Large Marge) from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure! (A clip of said truck driver and Pee-Wee freaking out is shown) NC (vo): Quaid does manage to start the reactor, but shortly afterward, he and Melina are sucked out as well. (Vents are seen exploding along the surface of Mars, about to give it a breathable atmosphere as Melina and Quaid's eyes and tongues begin to swell up from the decompression. Once there's enough breathable air on the surface, their faces return to normal) NC: Now, Sci-Fi Guy, I'm glad to have you around for this scene, because I've been meaning to ask. Is this really-- NC (vo): --what would happen if you were exposed to near-vacuum? NC: Is the whole explosive decompression thing real? SFG: I have no effects on the phenomenon referred to as explosive decompression. NC: Really? You got nothing for me? SFG: The effects of decompression have never been fully tested on a human body. NC: Oh, okay, then. Maybe I'll ask Marzgurl. SFG: No, no! Uh, I can tell you one thing, though. Even if the planet did suddenly gain an atmosphere... SFG (vo): ...if that whole eye bulging thing did happen... SFG: ...that doesn't just magically go away. NC: You can with Arnold's face! (Cut to a clip of Terminator of him scooping his eye out) NC (vo): You shoot me in the eye, I just put it back together! (And he makes more Arnold noises) And so Quaid saves the day, gets the smoking hot lady, and lives happily ever after. Just like a real action hero. SFG (vo): Lending more evidence to the theory this is all a dream. NC: Oh, look, that was just a fade to white, it's totally real! There's no evidence saying that it isn't! SFG: Are you kidding? They were just talking about it being a dream! Plus the whole blue sky on Mars thing? NC: Yeah, but what about the dirty look Manny DeVito gave him? What about the bead of sweat on that Rekall guy's face? Why would we see multiple scenes of Quaid absent if it's just supposed to be in his memory? SFG: He saves the day? Gets the girl? Aliens? It's exactly what the used car salesman at Rekall promised him. I'll bet Quaid's construction worker ass is laid out lobotomized at the Rekall Center now. Dr. Wiki: Actually, there are multiple ways to view this movie. However, the director's personal view was (suddenly having NC's voice) that it was totally real, and personally believes that Sci-Fi Guy is a complete and total doucheface! SFG: Are you editing Wiki to win an argument? NC: (typing on a keyboard) Nnnooo... (and hits one last key. SFG crosses his arms and gives him an "oh really?" look) Oh, that's it, I don't have to listen to any more shit from you. GO TO THE CORNER! SFG: Ho-ho-ho! You can't put me in the corner this time! I'm in my own house--er, um, control center! NC: Ah, but you forget. I'm editing the review. (he types a couple keys, putting SFG in the corner) And mute! (SFG is muted, but he does mouth, "Hey! Hey! What the fuck, man!?") NC: So that was Total Recall. How does it measure up? Surprisingly pretty well. (Clips play as NC gives the closing summation) NC (vo): The story was solid, the early digital effects were well integrated, and by God, the practical effects were amazing. Of course, being an Arnold movie, it still has its goofy points, but overall, it was a lot of fun. It was all the fun of a bad movie without actually being a bad movie. So I enjoy it big time. (SFG is reading a Star Trek book in the corner) NC: And to answer your question, was it a dream or was it real? I don't give a shit, and frankly, neither should you! I just wanted to screw with that Sci-Fi Guy, which is always a lot of fun. (he looks at SFG in the corner) Yes. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to! (SFG waves out, then pulls out a clipboard saying CLIP) Okay, we'll split the difference. Here's the nostalgia clip of the day. (One last clip of the Arnold face as animal laughs are heard before going to the credits) Channel Awesome logo Hauser: Just shove real hard. Category:Content Category:Guides Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Transcripts Category:Sony Category:Arnold Schwarzenegger